Entries Tagged 'humour' ↓

Jeremy Paxman (University Challenge, BBC2): What is another name for “cherrypickers” and “cheesemongers”?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

Phil Wood (BBC Radio Manchester): What’s 11 squared?

Contestant: I don’t know.

Phil Wood: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

Answer: 121

Richard Madeley (Richard and Judy): On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er…

Richard: He makes bread.

Contestant: Er…

Richard: He makes cakes.

Contestant: Kipling Street?

Answer: Baker Street

Question (BRMB Radio): What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Host: That’s close enough.

Answer: Roman Catholic

Steve Le Fevre (The Biggest Game in Town, ITV): What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

Answer: Treaty of Versailles

Phil Wood (BBC GMR): What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er…

Phil: It’s got two sylla-bles… Kor…

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil:Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run…

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Contestant: Silence

Phil:Okay, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I…

Contestant: Walked?

Answers: Koran&ran

Melanie Sykes (The Vault): What name is given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

Answer: Narcolepsy

Steve Wright (Radio 2): Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungles-winging character clad in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Answer: Tarzan

Chris Searle (BBC Radio Bristol): In which European country is Mount Etna?

Contestant: Japan.

Chris: I did say European country… I can let you try again.

Contestant: Er… Mexico?

Answer: Italy

Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle): How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant: (long pause) 14 days.

Answer: Six days

Daryl Denham (Virgin Radio): In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Daryl: It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

Answer: Israel

JAMIE THEAKSTON: Where is Cambridge University?

CONTESTANT: Geography isn’t my strong point

JAMIE THEAKSTON: There’s a clue in the title

CONTESTANT: Leicester?

LINCS FM DJ: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

CONTESTANT Barcelona

LINCS FM DJ: I was really after the name of a country

CONTESTANT; I’m sorry, I don’t know the name of any countries in Spain

GWR FM DJ: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

CONTESTANT I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then

ROCK FM PRESENTER: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci

CONTESTANT Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

BEACON RADIO DJ: What is the nationality of the Pope?

CONTESTANT I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

BAMBER GASCOIGNE What was Gandhi’s first name?

CONTESTANT Goosey?

JAMES O’BRIEN, LBC: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

CONTESTANT Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth.. er, er, three?

LOTTERY HOST: What is the world’s largest continent?

CONTESTANT The Pacific?

Just a light hearted look at irritating people who might work in an office near you. Sources: The Office, places where I have worked.

1. Boss Pleaser.

A Boss pleaser will dress like his boss. He will found out what the interests of his boss are; even if it is building model trains the eager to please worker will develop a fascination with the latest Hornby 00 model. He will drop into conversations flattery and false impressions of being interested in model railways. – Anything to win the favour of the boss. You can see the insincerity of this approach, but the really annoying thing is that the boss falls for it every time.

2. I’ll Be Getting a Much Better Job Soon Anyway.

You’ve been working away in an office for 5 years, you know it’s not the best job in the world but the last thing you need is some smart alec college graduate who has only taken the job temporarily before he gets ‘A high flying job in the city’ The spoilt grad spends his 6 weeks saying he will soon be leaving this ‘dead end job’ and ‘dead end company’ If you had any illusions about the nature of your job, this temporary worker will make it very clear for you.

3. Office Pedant

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be pedantic but, the stapler really doesn’t live on this desk does it?”

The office pedant will see problems where there are none. Minor breaches of office etiquette became battlegrounds of supreme importance. It doesn’t matter if you lose out on orders worth £100,000, it is more important that you get the colour scheme of your filing system correct. There is no way to beat the office pedant, there will always be some minor infraction – paper clip out of place, health and safety, missed internal deadline – the list is endless. Don’t try appealing to common sense, this will really drive them crazy.

4. Claim Credit for Things They Didn’t Do.

A lazy worker is not so bad, but, when they start claiming credit for things they didn’t do, they become positively irritating. Some workers have a remarkably short memory, they will allow other people to think of ideas, work hard and then at just the right moment will come into the picture and claim it was their own idea from start to finish. Not only that, but often they are ideas they opposed. But, when they see that they work, they want to see them as their own. This could be your boss or it may be someone from another department. It’s difficult to deal with because you have to either ignore it or descend to their level and battle to point out how they actually had nothing to do with it.

5. Criticise Other People

Sometimes, it’s hard not to find some faults with people. But, nobody needs the professional critic. The critics will always be pointing out the faults major or minor, with everyone from office cleaner to Chief Executive office. The only person they don’t criticise is themselves (who of course is perfect)

6. Patronising.

“well, you have good intentions, but…
“With respect, I think…”
“Thank – you, if you leave it on my desk, I will have a look in due course…
“That’s very good, now can you go and make me a cup of tea, lov”

Some bosses specialise in being patronising. No matter what you or they say, you can’t help but come away with a feeling of being as insignificant as an ant.

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Recently, the great Humphrey Lyttelton, passed away. He had a marvelous voice, ideal for the radio. I often spent many hours listening to ‘I’m sorry I haven’t got a Clue’ Often I didn’t understand all the jokes, but, I enjoyed listening just for the sense of fun and offbeat humour. As mentioned in this post – The Real Meaning of Words, “I’m sorry I haven’t a Clue” often played on the meaning of words:

Quotes from Uxbridge English Dictionary

Satire – seated in a more elevated position.

scandal – footwear you should be ashamed of

telepathy – you can’t be bothered to turn on the TV

Varnish – to disappear in Mayfair

Xenophobia – fear of Buddhists

From: The Uxbridge English Dictionary Seventeenth Edition (approx) Completely revived As heard on I’m sorry I haven’t a clue.

at Amazon.co.uk

at Amazon.com

English is a complicated language. Wouldn’t it be easier if words meant what they say they do, rather than mean something that they don’t actually say.

I’m sure this short guide from the fully revived The Uxbridge English Dictionary will provide an invaluable (worth nothing) and impeccable (bird proof) guide to the complexities of the English language.

Balderdash – A rapidly receding hairline.

Biology – The Science of why Women shop

Biro
- Property developer
- To purchase fish eggs

Boulangerie – To heckle underwear

Brouhaha – Jolly tea party

Candid – past tense of cando

Chairs – A toast by the Queen

Childhood – a very young gangster

Cinquecento – A hundred year old Chinaman

Ciabatta – The wookie in Star wars

Climate – The motto of the Everest climbing club

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Problogger is suggesting we kickstart our blog by writing some list posts. But I think writing in lists is for dummies, so here’s my top 10 reasons why lists are rubbish.

1. They are for the lazy, who can’t be bothered to write a proper article

2. Did William Shakespeare write in lists?

1. To be
2. Or not
3. to be
4. That is the question
5. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
6. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
7. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

not quite the same ring to it somehow…

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1. No One Reads Your Blog and Your mother doesn’t know how to turn on a computer.

If you see you have 10 visitors in your statistics page, don’t get too excited, that’s just you hitting the reload button 10 times.
2. You have nothing to say.

If you have nothing to say, there is no need to write 5 paragraphs on how you have nothing really very interesting to say today – but maybe tomorrow you will feel a bit more like it – it kind of really depends on how your grandma is recovering from her latest infection of shingles…
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Sorry, I couldn’t resist these “puns”
* A backward poet writes inverse.

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? he’s all right now.

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