Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

Phil Wood (BBC Radio Manchester): What’s 11 squared?

Contestant: I don’t know.

Phil Wood: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

Answer: 121

Richard Madeley (Richard and Judy): On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er…

Richard: He makes bread.

Contestant: Er…

Richard: He makes cakes.

Contestant: Kipling Street?

Answer: Baker Street

Question (BRMB Radio): What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Host: That’s close enough.

Answer: Roman Catholic

Steve Le Fevre (The Biggest Game in Town, ITV): What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

Answer: Treaty of Versailles

Phil Wood (BBC GMR): What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er…

Phil: It’s got two sylla-bles… Kor…

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil:Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run…

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Contestant: Silence

Phil:Okay, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I…

Contestant: Walked?

Answers: Koran&ran

Melanie Sykes (The Vault): What name is given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

Answer: Narcolepsy

Steve Wright (Radio 2): Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungles-winging character clad in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Answer: Tarzan

Chris Searle (BBC Radio Bristol): In which European country is Mount Etna?

Contestant: Japan.

Chris: I did say European country… I can let you try again.

Contestant: Er… Mexico?

Answer: Italy

Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle): How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant: (long pause) 14 days.

Answer: Six days

Daryl Denham (Virgin Radio): In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Daryl: It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

Answer: Israel

JAMIE THEAKSTON: Where is Cambridge University?

CONTESTANT: Geography isn’t my strong point

JAMIE THEAKSTON: There’s a clue in the title

CONTESTANT: Leicester?

LINCS FM DJ: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

CONTESTANT Barcelona

LINCS FM DJ: I was really after the name of a country

CONTESTANT; I’m sorry, I don’t know the name of any countries in Spain

GWR FM DJ: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

CONTESTANT I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then

ROCK FM PRESENTER: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci

CONTESTANT Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

BEACON RADIO DJ: What is the nationality of the Pope?

CONTESTANT I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

BAMBER GASCOIGNE What was Gandhi’s first name?

CONTESTANT Goosey?

JAMES O’BRIEN, LBC: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

CONTESTANT Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth.. er, er, three?

LOTTERY HOST: What is the world’s largest continent?

CONTESTANT The Pacific?

1. Boss Pleaser.

A Boss pleaser will dress like his boss. He will found out what the interests of his boss are; even if it is building model trains the eager to please worker will develop a fascination with the latest Hornby 00 model. He will drop into conversations flattery and false impressions of being interested in model railways. – Anything to win the favour of the boss. You can see the insincerity of this approach, but the really annoying thing is that the boss falls for it every time.

2. I’ll Be Getting a Much Better Job Soon Anyway.

You’ve been working away in an office for 5 years, you know it’s not the best job in the world but the last thing you need is some smart alec college graduate who has only taken the job temporarily before he gets ‘A high flying job in the city’ The spoilt grad spends his 6 weeks saying he will soon be leaving this ‘dead end job’ and ‘dead end company’ If you had any illusions about the nature of your job, this temporary worker will make it very clear for you.

3. Office Pedant

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be pedantic but, the stapler really doesn’t live on this desk does it?”

The office pedant will see problems where there are none. Minor breaches of office etiquette became battlegrounds of supreme importance. It doesn’t matter if you lose out on orders worth £100,000, it is more important that you get the colour scheme of your filing system correct. There is no way to beat the office pedant, there will always be some minor infraction – paper clip out of place, health and safety, missed internal deadline – the list is endless. Don’t try appealing to common sense, this will really drive them crazy.

4. Claim Credit for Things They Didn’t Do.

A lazy worker is not so bad, but, when they start claiming credit for things they didn’t do, they become positively irritating. Some workers have a remarkably short memory, they will allow other people to think of ideas, work hard and then at just the right moment will come into the picture and claim it was their own idea from start to finish. Not only that, but often they are ideas they opposed. But, when they see that they work, they want to see them as their own. This could be your boss or it may be someone from another department. It’s difficult to deal with because you have to either ignore it or descend to their level and battle to point out how they actually had nothing to do with it.

5. Criticise Other People

Sometimes, it’s hard not to find some faults with people. But, nobody needs the professional critic. The critics will always be pointing out the faults major or minor, with everyone from office cleaner to Chief Executive office. The only person they don’t criticise is themselves (who of course is perfect)

6. Patronising.

“well, you have good intentions, but…
“With respect, I think…”
“Thank – you, if you leave it on my desk, I will have a look in due course…
“That’s very good, now can you go and make me a cup of tea, lov”

Some bosses specialise in being patronising. No matter what you or they say, you can’t help but come away with a feeling of being as insignificant as an ant.

7. Trying to be 20 Years Younger than you actually are.

Your balding, fat, boss is 55 years old, but, he will try his utmost to be hip and cool. It is just embarrassing, but, the boss seems completely oblivious to the fact, he is never going to convince anyone he is a cool 28 year old.

8. The Ideologue

The ideologue is sure of his beliefs and he wants to share them with you. The ideologue may seem quite normal, even pleasant. But half way through conversations, you will suddenly hear something like

“I was deciding which colour folder to use, when I thought – ‘well, what would Jesus, choose?”

It’s not just religious evangelicals, it may be the office environmentalist who catches you throwing a scrap of paper into the waste paper bin, rather than the recycling box. “The world is going to end, and people can’t even be bothered to put paper in the recycling bin.”

It may also be the fanatical political nut. You can’t mention the weather without the topic turning to politics

“It’s bit a cold today isn’t it?”

“Yes, and the cost of heating has shot up because of the neo-con imperialist policies of Bush and Blair. It’s a disgrace 6 million people are now in fuel poverty. The government have completely let down the ordinary worker. They think only of themselves….” (I was only making polite conversation…)

9. No friends outside of work.

The no friends outside of work often lack basic social skills. You go to ask a simple question about a report, and before you know it you’re enduring a 15 minute monologue of how they spent the weekend rebuilding their 10 year old fence (it had 8 feet foundations and were re-built using reinforced tensile steel bolts you are pleased to learn…)

10. Not as Funny as they Think

Some people think they are born comedians, but, actually they are not. Nevertheless, you still have to listen to their tired routines of (usually slightly offensive) jokes.

Quotes from Uxbridge English Dictionary

Satire – seated in a more elevated position.

scandal – footwear you should be ashamed of

telepathy – you can’t be bothered to turn on the TV

Varnish – to disappear in Mayfair

Xenophobia – fear of Buddhists

From: The Uxbridge English Dictionary Seventeenth Edition (approx) Completely revived As heard on I’m sorry I haven’t a clue.

at Amazon.co.uk

at Amazon.com

I’m sure this short guide from the fully revived The Uxbridge English Dictionary will provide an invaluable (worth nothing) and impeccable (bird proof) guide to the complexities of the English language.

Balderdash – A rapidly receding hairline.

Biology – The Science of why Women shop

Biro
- Property developer
- To purchase fish eggs

Boulangerie – To heckle underwear

Brouhaha – Jolly tea party

Candid – past tense of cando

Chairs – A toast by the Queen

Childhood – a very young gangster

Cinquecento – A hundred year old Chinaman

Ciabatta – The wookie in Star wars

Climate – The motto of the Everest climbing club

Cocoa Bean – An ex clown

Coiffeur – A pretentious drinker

Dodo – A repeat of the Simpsons.

Disconsolate – A particular embassy

Esplanade – attempting an exclamation when drunk

Eureka – B.O

Evanescent – A welshman who glows in the dark.

Extemporary – Permanent

Fecund – The one before fird.

Harlequin – One of a set of 5 mototbikes

Heathrow – A brief description of what a baggage handler does.

Hebrew – Jewish teabag

Herpes – What my wife wins prizes for at the local show

Homophobe – someone who doesn’t like the Simpsons

Increment – the opposite of excrement

ipod – optical aid for using peas

Ipswich – what you turn on your hip with

Marigold – to get rich quick

notable – to arrive at a restaurant fully booked

Online – Have done t’weekly wash (yorkshire)

Osmosis – Early Australian prophet

Pontefract – To theorise about Yorkshire

posthumous – the art of delivering Greek food by mail

property – To make the perfect cup of tea.

Retread – very red (in Yorkshire)

Satire – seated in a more elevated position.

scandal – footwear you should be ashamed of

telepathy – you can’t be bothered to turn on the TV

Varnish – to disappear in Mayfair

Xenophobia – fear of Buddhists

Foreign Phrases.

Carpe Diem – Fish of the day

Dieu et mon Droit – Bush family motto – God and me are right

Sang froid – I’m dreaming of a white christmas

From: The Uxbridge English Dictionary Seventeenth Edition (approx) Completely revived As heard on I’m sorry I haven’t a clue.

at Amazon.co.uk

at Amazon.com

1. They are for the lazy, who can’t be bothered to write a proper article

2. Did William Shakespeare write in lists?

1. To be
2. Or not
3. to be
4. That is the question
5. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
6. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
7. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

not quite the same ring to it somehow…

3. They reduce arguments to simple statements.

4. I can only think of 4 good reasons, but this is supposed to be a top 10. so the next 6 will just be to fill in the gaps.

5. See number 4.

6. What’s wrong with writing in paragraphs?

7. They encourage mediocrity and the internet needs more quality not quantity.

8. Do we really need another “top 10 wordpress plugins.” or “top 10 benefits of writing in lists” ?

9. Er…

10. I can’t count higher than 10.

If you like this list you will love: Top 10 Reasons not to write a blog post 

Thanks to JP for a similar idea a while back

If you see you have 10 visitors in your statistics page, don’t get too excited, that’s just you hitting the reload button 10 times.
2. You have nothing to say.

If you have nothing to say, there is no need to write 5 paragraphs on how you have nothing really very interesting to say today – but maybe tomorrow you will feel a bit more like it – it kind of really depends on how your grandma is recovering from her latest infection of shingles…

2.5 Everything has been said already a 1000 times 

You’ve just written an article: “How to Get links to your site” – unfortunately about 20,000 bloggers have already beaten you to it.

3 The most interesting thing you did in the last week was go grocery shopping.

No one is interested in your trip to the supermarket – unless, of course, you are as famous as Paris hilton or Britney Spears, in which case it will probably spawn a media frenzy, 100 different You Tube videos and websites like (britneyspearsgoesshoppingandbuyspizza.com)

4. You have something better to do.

Like speak to people and get a life.

5. Your Computer is Broken.

What did we used to do before the advent of computers and the internet? I’ve forgotten.

6. You can only be bothered to write the first 6 points from yet another pointless Top 10 list.

Did Shakespeare ever write by lists?
I never remember seeing at school the Shakespeare sonnet: “Top 10 Reasons Why Othello dithered about whether to be or not to be…..” – but then I was never particularly studious.

To be fair I think where Marx may have had more success if he had introduced Communism as:

“Top 10 Reason why Capitalism is Doomed! and the Dictatorship of the Proletariant is the way to Go”

Maybe not…

If you thought this was a little sacriligeous (1) to the great art of blogging you may enjoy a more serious post about

• how to be a prolific blogger.

(1) I don’t know how to spell sacriligeious – sorry !

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? he’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That’s a story that lens itself.]

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the right key.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Source: via Internet Humour